Below are the 25 most recent journal entries.
Hello. I just found this community. I am not new to Live Journal but this is a new journal for me. I have a mother with a severe case of Narcissistic Personality Disorder. She hasn't been diagnosed and more than likely never will. At this particular moment we aren't even speaking. She has emotionally, mentally and physically abused my sisters and I our whole lives. She played us againt each other as children so none of us ever bonded. We're barely starting to now that we're adults and are figuring out what is/has been going on. It has severely affected my ability to trust women and I have very few female friends. I was the oldest and everything was always MY fault. Once I couldn't take it anymore and moved out when I was 16, she found a new scapegoat in my stepfather, then my middle sister and finally my youngest sister. She has alienated most of us at this point. My (step)father and I joke about needing to start a support group for survivors of relationships with her. She has even gotten to the point of hurting her grandchildren. It's past ridiculous at this point.
Anyway, I was looking for support maybe I found some here. Have a great day!
Hi! New Too.
I'm new too
Doesn't look like there has been very much activity since 2005 here, but in looking for a community for a different purpose I found this one which I've needed MANY times.
My mother suffered from Schizophrenia (apparantly) all her life. She wasn't officially diagnosed until I was 21. I was the lucky one who got to reap the *benefits* of her illness for 21 years before anyone took me seriously. I have lots more I want to say about all of this, but tonight I'm very numb from the recent loss of a family member (whom incidently I never got to know well as a child BECAUSE of my mothers issues). In a nutshell though, my mother - who will likely outlive all of us - has been so kind as to pass down a fraction of her genepool to me, and I was diagnosed Bipolar 2 in 2004; after living the previous 15 years with a diagnosis of chronic clinical depression. I know it's not her fault - thats what everybody kept telling me as a kid anyway in response to all the resulting abuse - but in all honesty I can't deny feeling cheated; both out of having a mom and a healthy mind. At least though, I have learned the hard way that come hell or high water I will NEVER "STOP" my meds just because of some stupid side effect.
Sorry this turned into a vent. I really feel like I could use a mother tonight, as I sit here pondering the tragedy of my cousin who just lost her son.
I'd better post back when I'm feeling better.
Hi, I'm new here...
... and my case, I guess is not the worst out there, but my mom is crazy. My mom has borderline personality disorder and narcissism. She pretty much emotional tortured me in between being my "best friend" while I was growing up.
For all those children so haunted by the evil of mental illness and their new lives as adults I recommend the movie Tarnation. It scared me how close to my life this movie was. Anyways, see for yourself...I warn you the images can be very disturbing and it is very emotional. See it with people. Hugs to all of you....
Butterflies in tummy...
So yesterday I spent the whole day talking to my sister. It was joyous. We had been mutually looking for each other and unfortunately had far too many horror stories to tell for just one day. My father did hideous things to her and I don't know why, but his family abandoned her for him. Even after he spent 4 years in prison for molesting her. I just don't see how someone could pull the blinders up that much. It is beyond cruel. She has been through hell and back. My father got her addicted to coke, gave her her first cigarettes at nine years old, and he constantly made her feel like crap. He won't even appologize. My stomach is still cramping from all of this. Well, the amazing thing is we are so much alike. She has been looking for me since her teens but stopped in fear that my father would hurt me somehow. When she was put in foster care she stole a baby picture of me and stared at it trying to think of what I was like. In most sense of the word she was very protective of me and didn't even know me. It is strange how two humans that never meet can love each other so much. It boggles my mind. She like similar food as me and she is very smart. I think it is kinda cute that she has a deep southern accent as well. I have a flat ass northeastern thing happening. The thing that truly amazes me about her is her ability to survive. You see she was born with a tiny hole in her heart and muscular distrophe. The abuse my father did to her has also left her scared and in pain most days. I revel in her resillence and love her for everybit of it. My heart is so heavy I feel like my chest is going to explode. Never in my life could I have imagined someone I hardly new could be so fircely protective and sweet. God bless my stars. I have closed a chapter in my life and i'm on to the next. I just pray that this is over for the both of us.
All I can say in this moment is
Erin I LOVE YOU!
I haven't posted in a little while. I'm more or less doing ok. My mother is still annoying me a bit with insensitivity, but thanks to a lot of support from you guys, I've been able to see it in a different light and handle it a little better.
I thought to lighten things up a little, I'd share a story from my teen years. To me it is kind of funny, since it doesn't involve anyone actually getting hurt, but as it does deal somewhat with my mother's illness I'll put it behind the cut in case it is upsetting to anyone.
It has to do with something ridiculous that happened once when someone else noticed my mother was a little off.
( Charity Case?Collapse )
Inspired by Neva...
I read neva's entry about her abusive and terrible history with her mother. I grew up in a very interesting home. My mother was a victim of abuse from my father and typically loved to attract controling men. She had a serious eating disorder and I spent a good three years trying to get her to stop chewing her food and spitting it out. It discussed me and I would, regardless of my less agressive nature at the time, have outburst that would end up embarressing my mother. I would scream at her as a child and say mom why can't you eat like a normal person. Why do you make me stare at a pile of chewed up food. Don't you know it scares me when you do this. It was hard, but over all she was harmless...Well, except for her cleanliness. She is massively OCD. She had plastic on the furniture, she would litterally carry a vacuume with her and vacuume up right behind me and she spent several years scrubing me with a bore bristle brush til I would bleed. I remember my golden blonde hair frequently looked strawberry blond because of the red tint of blood associated with the scrubbing. I hated it, but still regardless my mom could do no wrong. I loved her and her neurosses never hurt me directly. Not til she met my step dad. This is when it got really bad. When they met it was bliss for them and annoying for me. But I was in many ways happy that my mother found someone she loved and seemed to care for her. But overtime his lack of consideration for others, his lack of common sense and his meak will made for a very dangerous mix to my mothers fragile mind. After I came out about my molestation( The man she was almost held captive by as I was growing up, decided to target me and I came out) and we moved from AK to NY my mother snapped. She has been angry and confused sense. She is like mommy dearest meets sibil, meets mother theresa(sorry about spelling) So once we moved to NY my step family and her were always at odds. I started having trouble in school and my mother made snide remarks or started fights every chance she got. There were days I wanted to smother her in her sleep. So by the time I was 16 I lived on my own and went to school by choice. I managed to get out of school in 3 and a half years. I had a horrible self image problem due to my mothers constant negative banters at me...Your a slut, why are you so fucking stupid, didn't you hear my or are you just def, why do you have to be such a dumb bitch...etc etc. She also had an issue with my big chest one day announcing at the dinner table...Why don't you change that shirt so your tits don't hang out. THat way your stepfather can eat dinner with out having to wack off. I was oddly enough waring a t-shirt and jeans and I wasn't doing anything to prevoke any of the abuse I had gotten. She was just off her rocker. She is still very abusive, but now she feels guilt about it. It is the strangest thing. I just don't understand it. She will show my sister half naked girls on tv and say thats what you father likes, he wants to go fuck that and the poor dear is only 10 so most of the time she just stays quiet and tries to retreat in her own mind. She is very smart, but is held back because of the abuse she recieves. It kills me. I try not to get close to her in fear of making it all worse and coddling her too much. I want her to learn to survive like I did, and know that if she does need me all she has to do is ask. I always tell her that. I knew right from the start that when she was born this child was going to be more mine then my mothers. She just wanted a baby and a mother and my poor sister has paid the price everyday. It kills me. The hardest part of the whole thing is my mother is not always this way. She can be sweet as honey on sugar. There are many things I love about her and care about when she is in pain. This makes the whole thing so challenging. I have always been a mothering figure in her life, but I have my own children now and I find that I'm constantly having to choose between her and my daughter and in my mind there is no choice, my daughter is first. SO that is why in many ways I must move. I want her to heal on her own, plus she is slowly making progress the farther I'm away from her. I hope that in this life time I can see my old loving kookie mom and regain my life back with her. But if I don't I'm ready to move on and give my daughter the loving home I never had. With my buddhist practices and my loving friends I have made it very far. I have alot to be thankful for and in no way is any of this easy, but I feel happier now than I ever have. My strength comes souly from within...
[X-posted from my LJ, because I remember there was a recent post by
fyrefly requesting input from members about what we're all dealing with
to share and support one another and though I didn't have time at the
time to respond like I wanted, the following came up yesterday and I
thought others might benefit from it.]
I posted here not to long ago and realized that i'm the only one who posted here. I would love to hear some stories of people coping with their parents illness. I think we should all get together and work out what it is we are here for. I hope to get people inspired again and to hear from some of you. Anything is welcome. I would love to hear a story, venting anger or frustration or anything that helps you get through the day. I have a rather crazy life going right now, but if people respond to this I will feel free to share it. I hope to make some new friends out of this and learn from all of you.
Thank you and namaste!
I was recommened to come here by a buddhist lj acquiantance. I have a mother who is very ill. Her sickness spreads to whomever is in her general site because it is so bad. She suffers from dilusions, anxity, depression, and is excessively abusive. Her brain is set on narcisstic autopilot, so technically she feels she is immune from hurting others, only other people can hurt her. It is hard to swallow her somedays and I find myself feeling violent sometimes. I never act upon it but I could use all of the support I can get. Well, that is enough for now. I have to get to class. I could use anything at this point to cope. Thank you.
I just had the most frustrating converstaion with my mum.
Last week I said she was told she would be in hospital as soon as a
bed is available? Well, she's received totally conflicting reports from 2
workers today...at least that's what she said and believes. I hate it when
she's ill like this, as I never know whether what she says is the truth
or not, or from 'off the planet'. I guess I'll have to ring the case
manager myself tomorrow to find out what is going on. I really hate it when I can't just accept what she says at face value, and worry whether I'm being used as a pawn in a game -she's always so good at the emotional blackmail stuff and I seem to fall for it so easily. I guess thats because I care about what's happening to her
I wrote this post as a response to desert_moon , but it's sparked a good discussion between she and I and I thought it might be worth sharing with the rest of Hera's Daughters. The original post (with comments), is here.
Article and news
Its been a little while since I posted, as it appeared that mum had been home and okay, but she rang me this week to see that she has to go back into the hospital -her medications aren't working, and that she will be in over Chirstmas and for goodness knows how long. Problem is, she has to wait for someone to leave so that she can get a bed, and I hope that she is okay until that point in time. She rang again the other night, and said that she has no less than 5 voices going at her all the time. Poor thing I feel so bad that I can't travel the 2 hours to see her, but my own health problems make it impossible.
members of the community will probably relate to this article, apperaring in today's Melbourne Age newspaper
( Read more...Collapse )
On the downslide.
I have a mother not diagnosed but with BP traits. Recently been reading "Surviving a Borderline Parent" as well as "Understanding the Borderline Mother". I'm shopping for a therapist, because I really need someone (other than my fantastic wonderful husband) to talk to. Although reviewing these books (and web bulletin boards) is somewhat of an affirmation, I am still Very Depressed. Feeling powerless and uninspired, sad/ angry/ etc.. Mom and I have not been getting along: she's been mean and scary again. I am starting a new job this week; hoping it will keep my mind occupied. Do other people experience this after learning about BP & hearing others' stories?
I'm new to LiveJournal and it's communities, please forgive me if I'm doing this wrong :)
I just typed out an introduction, and realized after I was finished that it was waaay too long! It’s amazing, how once you start ‘talking’ about this, it all comes pouring out.
Here is a scaled down version of my intro :)
My situation is similar to many I've read here, I'm the adult daughter of a mother with a personality disorder. I'm a bit different than the rest of you here though, in that I am also disabled...I was born with a muscle disease, and have been a wheelchair user since the age of 12 (I'm in my 40's now).
My childhood was a good one, for the most part. It wasn't obvious to me during my childhood that my mom has a personality disorder...I mean, I can remember odd things happening sometimes, and the fact that there was always a lot of alcohol use, but nothing glaringly obvious.
I met a terrific man and got married when I was in my early 20’s. During the first year or so of my marriage, my mom remained close to my husband and myself, we did a lot of 'family' things together. Then things started to really change. My mom had been a clerical worker my entire childhood, and she suddenly announced that she wanted to become a bartender. So she quit her job, started tending bar at a local beer pub, and began distancing herself from me. I wouldn't hear from her for weeks at a time...and that was definitely different. When I tried to talk to her about things, about how I missed seeing her and talking to her, she exploded. She told me that she had her own life to live, and she was going to live it any way she saw fit. She went on to say that I had been her responsibility when I was young, and she had met that responsibility. But I was now my husband's responsibility, no longer hers, and she was going to live her life the way she wanted. Her outburst honestly floored me. I hadn't realized she saw me as such a responsibility...such a burden. I had NOT wanted to try to stop her from living her own life, I only wanted to be a part of it. Her revelations really hurt me, and she and I drifted apart after that.
Fast forward 15 years, to a couple of years ago, when all hell broke lose in my world. My mother started having delusions, and admitted herself to a mental hospital.
The next 9 months were torture. She went back and forth between the mental hospital, and a nursing facility. She would have weeks where she was completely psychotic...having auditory and visual hallucinations, sometimes becoming violent. And
then would have a week or so of lucidity...and then would swing back the other way. It was a hellish time for all of us.
The docs at first thought she was Schizophrenic, but kept backing away from that diagnosis because of her age...then they started talking bipolar, and that maybe she had been able to keep it somewhat hidden before by self medicating (all the alcohol and meds), but they could not be sure. Anyway, they got her off all the narcotics, and of course the alcohol, and she slowly started to improve, the psychotic episodes ceased.
The docs released her, and told her she could resume her 'normal life' after 9 months. They stressed to her and to us that she should *never* drink, or take narcotics again...to which she readily agreed, she said she was happy to have been given a second chance at a normal life. I'm sure you can all see where this is heading....
She went home, and within weeks started drinking. Within months, she was back on pain meds. I kept trying to talk to her, and every time I did she would become enraged...telling me to butt out of her life, or she would disown me. She says she does not have any kind of personality disorder, certainly is not bipolar, and what happened to her was a fluke, caused by combining all the different narcotics that she did. She says she can control her 'addictive personality' now, and will only take the one narcotic pain med...not the hordes of other meds she combined it with before.
Over the last year and a half, things between us have gotten steadily worse. Her apathetic attitude of the last 15 years towards me has turned to one of open hostility. It has become a huge problem for me, because it has started to affect my health. Stress really affects my disability in a negative way, I have lost a large amount of strength over the last two
years, due to the open hostility she heaps upon me. My Internists keep telling me that I have to put distance between her and I, for the sake of my own health.
My husband and I moved away several months ago...we had been planning it for the last 10 years, so the move wasn't 'because' of my mother, but I have to admit I was looking forward to getting some distance from her. Well, I have the physical distance, but she has continued to harass me by phone. She is so verbally abusive, it's hard to imagine this is the same woman who raised me. It's like someone else has taken up residence inside her, because she is absolutely not the mom I grew up with...that mom would not do these things to me, that mom would not intentionally inflict pain on me, and would not do things that she knew could adversely affect my health.
I have so many conflicting feelings...I miss the mom that I once knew, and I am scared of this mean, vindictive person she has become. How do you deal with this?
I know this post is still much too long, sorry about that :)
i'm really glad to have found this community. in the poking around i've done, it seems as though resources for family members of people who are mentally ill are pretty scarce--and resources for children of mentally ill parents are pretty much nonexistent. i've always wished there were something like al-anon for kids (esp. daughters, who i think are often asked to take on even more of the responsibility of parenting their parent) of mentally ill parents.
my mom is schizophrenic--although she has also been diagnosed as bipolar, borderline, depressive, and anorexic. i would say that the schizophrenia diagnosis is the most accurate: she is paranoid, she occasionally has hallucinations (mostly auditory), and she just generally doesn't live on the same world that most people do. i don't know if anyone else had this experience, but she seemed to go through phases when i was a kid: she would be completely functional and normal for a while (anywhere from a week to several months, and she was a great mom during these times) and then something (could be anything--a bill that got paid late, fight with her parents, or even something less clear than that) would set her off and she'd be crazy again. she was abusive during her bad periods and she was almost always unable to work during them, so we never had any money and were on public assistance for several years (dad was a deadbeat, out of the picture). finally, when i was eleven, she had an especially bad breakdown, i fled to my friend's house, and my grandparents wound up with custody. i refused to talk to her for several months and wouldn't see her for a year and a half (she went to court to try to get forced visitation and lost) but we were able to maintain a relationship when i was in my teens. then, right around the time i went to college, she pretty much stopped acknowledging my existence. (she got arrested a few years ago, and told her public defender that she didn't have any children.) so right now, she and i have no relationship at all, and haven't since about 1995. i have seen her a few times since then (always when she has been arrested/evicted and the family has gone in to bail her out/find her a place to live) and she has been civil, but the person who lives in her isn't my mother. [as an aside: she lives on her own in a house that my uncle, her brother, bought for her. (he's pretty wealthy--used to work for microsoft, got out at the right time, lots of stock options.) she hasn't been in a long-term treatment program since she was in her teens--late sixties, early seventies--and she hasn't been in any kind of treatment at all since the early 1990's. but we don't have guardianship and she's not harmful to herself/others, so there's no way to put her in one if she doesn't want to go, and she clearly doesn't.]
so, that said, i don't know if i want to try and recreate any sort of relationship with her. we live in different states (i'm in new york, she's in georgia) so i can't just pop over and visit her, and i'm wary of giving her my telephone number and address: she's harassed just about every member of my family with 3-a.m. phone calls, and she has also been known to show up at people's houses, even in different states, when you least expect her. i don't know what sort of relationship we could even have: it would certainly not be a maternal one (and it would be undertaken mostly out of a sense of guilt/duty on my part). but i also feel that, when she dies, i will think for the rest of my life that i should have done something, only i don't know what that something is.
i've only met one other person in my entire life who had a mother like mine, so i'd be especially grateful to hear from any daughters of schizophrenics. i'm also curious to know if there are any personality traits common to children of the mentally ill (as, for example, there are with children of alcoholics). anyway, as i said, i'm just really glad to have found this community.
"Childhood abuse link to heart disease
This article appeared in The Age newspaper in Melbourne, Australia, today and will be of interest to all members of this community
"Childhood abuse link to heart disease
By Julie Robotham
October 9, 2004
Childhood experiences of abuse and neglect can increase dramatically the risk of developing heart disease in later life, research shows for the first time.
Having been emotionally abused as a child increases by 70 per cent the chance a person will be diagnosed with heart disease by their 50s, while physical violence raises the risk by 50 per cent. Growing up in a family where there is mental illness, substance abuse or criminality also increases the risk, a US Government-funded study of more than 17,000 people found.
The more types of abuse or neglect a person experiences, the higher the risk of developing heart disease.
The study comes amid rising political acknowledgement in Australia and overseas of the importance of early childhood and family support services for healthy social adjustment and educational achievement.
The study suggested that heart specialists would have to look more closely at patients' psychological and social backgrounds."
Hi to everyone
I've just discovered this community, and joined gratefully. I'm the adult daughter of a mother with schizophrenia, and numerous other health problems which don't help her situation at all. She's just spent a 3 month stint in the Aged Psych Unit at her local hospital, and is now in respite for a few weeks because her Meniere's disease has flared up - probably/possibly as a result of her new medication. The problem is, its the only medication she's had in the last few years which has kept her psychosis free, so I'm very worried that they might take her off it. Its looking as if she is coming to the end of independent living, at the age of 70, and that's difficult for her to accept. Its really hard for me too, as I'm her principal caring - although at a distance as my partner and I both have health problems which prevent us driving the 1 1/2 hours to be with her very often. This means I do a lot of phone work with her, and as most of you probably know or have learnt its sometimes difficult to tell how someone really is over the phone. Its also really difficult when I know she needs my help, and I can't give it physically.
I'm new, I'll make this first post short and simple.
My mother has schizophrenia,
but I havnt seen her in years. ( i had visits with her until the age of 8 or 9)
My grandparents on my fathers side took custody of me when I was a couple years old, and my father and grandparents and aunts raised me.
I saw my mom a year or two ago, on the streets downtown (she doesnt know who I am),but she didnt see me, and if she did, she didnt recognize me. it's just sad knowing I'm really well off, and shes living on the streets talking to invisible people.
I have a half sister who I met years back and she volunteered at a shelter, and she said she saw our mother holding three baby dolls, and named them Christina (me), tanya, and bridget (her three daughters)
It's just maddening that noone in my family helped her, I mean she might not have wanted help, but I dont really know the whole story.
Iv'e been trying to track her down for about a year now with no luck.
I cant believe she could die tomorrow and I wouldnt even know.
okay that wasnt as short as I thought it was.
Oh my goodness. (x-posted)
My mother just asked me if errorval and I were satanists, or into sacrifice. I was astonished, "How in the world could you think that?"
"'Cos of all the black, your pendant, & all the creepy art/stuff you take pictures of."
(I have been wearing black since about age 12, and have heard it ALL- and still uh, just like to wear black.)
"Mother, frankly I am offended that you would think such things about me". Ridiculous!
Man she is so mean to me, but it's also kind of funny.
looking for people like me
Hello and my apologies in advance if I'm doing this wrong -- still new to LiveJournal.
Anyway, I'm looking for people who are the children of parents with personality disorders and of course, this community seemed like the right place. About my situation: my mom is bipolar, went undiagnosed for 20+ years (coincidentally, while I was growing up, as if that wasn't already obvious), went through what is probably the typical kind of messed up crap that most bipolar people go through, dragging me along with her for the ride. I'm sure you're familiar with the routine: playing the part of parent because your own parent is incapable of it, picking them up when they come crashing down, trying to survive the high points, trying harder to survive the low points, blah blah blah fishcakes. She's been self-medicating for about 10 years, but finally went into therapy and got a formal diagnosis a couple of years ago.
Anyway, about six months ago, a Series of Unfortunate Events conspired against me/us and she decided it was best to informally disown me, whatever the hell that means. Since the rest of my family situation revolves around my mother and what she says goes, that means pretty much all of my family has chosen to remove themselves from my life.
Things are good in all other fronts (especially my oh-so-wonderful husband) but this particular aspect has been weighing heavily and I've been feeling lonely and isolated wrt my family situation. I've decided it's time I find other people like me who know and understand what I'm going through and have gone through.
I know I can't be the only one and judging from the previous posts, looks like I'm not. Anyway, if anyone's interested in sharing their own experiences on this front, maybe share some laughs to make the coping a little easier, I hope you'll contact me through this community or email or whatever.
Thanks for reading all the way through my rambling.
Brittney, aka serenity_valley
Hi, I'm new :) I struggle with a lot of the same issues as the other members here, I joined for support, and to support others. Hopefully this can be a peaceful place for me and I can help to make it a peaceful place for you, if you want more support feel free to check out and join my new community:
I don't understand why she can't realize that she's in her depression phase and try to stop it. She's jealous of me, mad at me, annoyed with me...for NO reason...and this weekend we're going on a road trip to Texas for Easter. I like Easter, please don't ruin it, mom.
I have just about had it with my mother today. Parents went on vacation and asked me to watch the house for them. I get the mail every day, I water the plants once a week. Drive 45minutes one way out of my way to check their home every single day. I have doen this for them for years. YEARS! But does she think I am capable? Does she just let me do it? Or does she call me 4 times a day long distance and remind me about it, then again to check what she got in the mail, then again to make sure I locked the house after I left. She is supposed to be on vacation. Playing golf and seeing old friends. They have done this trip for 5 bloody years. This has never happened before. I can't figure out what is wrong. It is like I am suddenly not a responsible adult. I even talked with my father to see if somehting was wrong on that end. He says she is having fun, he takes her golfing every day. Her friends are there and there are no problems there. She is not depressed or moody. What is it? I am about ready to disconect my phone. And she is so sickly sweet about it. 'I hope Im not bothering you dear' 'I just didn't want you to forget' What does she think I am going to do? Leave the front door open and call for burglars or burn the place down?
OK, I feel better. I think I can handle this now. Mother, I love you dearly. Stop calling me.