Fyreflye (fyreflye) wrote in herasdaughters,

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Inspired by Neva...

I read neva's entry about her abusive and terrible history with her mother. I grew up in a very interesting home. My mother was a victim of abuse from my father and typically loved to attract controling men. She had a serious eating disorder and I spent a good three years trying to get her to stop chewing her food and spitting it out. It discussed me and I would, regardless of my less agressive nature at the time, have outburst that would end up embarressing my mother. I would scream at her as a child and say mom why can't you eat like a normal person. Why do you make me stare at a pile of chewed up food. Don't you know it scares me when you do this. It was hard, but over all she was harmless...Well, except for her cleanliness. She is massively OCD. She had plastic on the furniture, she would litterally carry a vacuume with her and vacuume up right behind me and she spent several years scrubing me with a bore bristle brush til I would bleed. I remember my golden blonde hair frequently looked strawberry blond because of the red tint of blood associated with the scrubbing. I hated it, but still regardless my mom could do no wrong. I loved her and her neurosses never hurt me directly. Not til she met my step dad. This is when it got really bad. When they met it was bliss for them and annoying for me. But I was in many ways happy that my mother found someone she loved and seemed to care for her. But overtime his lack of consideration for others, his lack of common sense and his meak will made for a very dangerous mix to my mothers fragile mind. After I came out about my molestation( The man she was almost held captive by as I was growing up, decided to target me and I came out) and we moved from AK to NY my mother snapped. She has been angry and confused sense. She is like mommy dearest meets sibil, meets mother theresa(sorry about spelling) So once we moved to NY my step family and her were always at odds. I started having trouble in school and my mother made snide remarks or started fights every chance she got. There were days I wanted to smother her in her sleep. So by the time I was 16 I lived on my own and went to school by choice. I managed to get out of school in 3 and a half years. I had a horrible self image problem due to my mothers constant negative banters at me...Your a slut, why are you so fucking stupid, didn't you hear my or are you just def, why do you have to be such a dumb bitch...etc etc. She also had an issue with my big chest one day announcing at the dinner table...Why don't you change that shirt so your tits don't hang out. THat way your stepfather can eat dinner with out having to wack off. I was oddly enough waring a t-shirt and jeans and I wasn't doing anything to prevoke any of the abuse I had gotten. She was just off her rocker. She is still very abusive, but now she feels guilt about it. It is the strangest thing. I just don't understand it. She will show my sister half naked girls on tv and say thats what you father likes, he wants to go fuck that and the poor dear is only 10 so most of the time she just stays quiet and tries to retreat in her own mind. She is very smart, but is held back because of the abuse she recieves. It kills me. I try not to get close to her in fear of making it all worse and coddling her too much. I want her to learn to survive like I did, and know that if she does need me all she has to do is ask. I always tell her that. I knew right from the start that when she was born this child was going to be more mine then my mothers. She just wanted a baby and a mother and my poor sister has paid the price everyday. It kills me. The hardest part of the whole thing is my mother is not always this way. She can be sweet as honey on sugar. There are many things I love about her and care about when she is in pain. This makes the whole thing so challenging. I have always been a mothering figure in her life, but I have my own children now and I find that I'm constantly having to choose between her and my daughter and in my mind there is no choice, my daughter is first. SO that is why in many ways I must move. I want her to heal on her own, plus she is slowly making progress the farther I'm away from her. I hope that in this life time I can see my old loving kookie mom and regain my life back with her. But if I don't I'm ready to move on and give my daughter the loving home I never had. With my buddhist practices and my loving friends I have made it very far. I have alot to be thankful for and in no way is any of this easy, but I feel happier now than I ever have. My strength comes souly from within...
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I'm so sorry you went through all of this. It's great that you are strong enough to be there for your daughter. That's what really matters.

It is maddening that sometimes people can really act nice and normal at one time and then completely out of control at another time.

It really sounds as if your sister is being abused too, maybe in many ways. It's too bad, but I can see that calling in CPS might do more harm than good.

So sad.
The irony is my mom is being counseled by a phycologist in CPS and they have no idea! But over all I had her demons at one point so I know just how out of control it is to be there. I live in fear of it happening to me everyday...
She is like mommy dearest meets sibil, meets mother theresa(sorry about spelling)

I relate. My private childhood name for my mother was "random numbers". I constantly warned myself as a little girl that I did not know who would be in the house when I opened the door and I had to be hypervigilant and quick to see which personality fragment I was dealing with.

One of the best things I ever read about people ill in the way my mother is ill (probably borderline, but no diagnosis) is that instead of having a coherent, consistent self, they are like personality fragments gently churning in a fishbowl. Every so often a fragment floats to the top. What you never get is consistency. And some of the fragments ~are~ wonderful, some are sociopathic, some are childlike and some are faux-adult controlling.

I want her to heal on her own, plus she is slowly making progress the farther I'm away from her.

I also had that experience where my mother does better when I am not around. I think the "mother" role was/is incredibly stressful, full of guilt and shame and impossible cultural demands-- so the less she is triggered by any demands to be "mother", the better she does. I have forged a pretty good relationship with her by accepting that I am essentially "motherless" but have a very interesting friend in my life. I don't dump my problems on my friends and expect them to solve them, so I carefully don't dump them on her... when I am having problems, I take space so that she won't feel the pressure to be "mother" and try to fix them. It all helps.
P.S. I notice from your icon that you wear your hair very red, if that is a current picture? I connected that instantly to your story about your blonde hair looking strawberry from the blood. I think of it as a way to tell your truth.

I now wear mine jet black because my mother was kind of weird about wanting a blonde child and when I was a teen, she pushed me into getting those awful highlights with that cap and the hateful hook!

My mother wore her hair long and completely plain for years, because my grandmother (a crazier, more hurtful mother than mine was, but she was a wonderful grandmother!) hated how straight her hair was and mom had to endure all these evil perms as a child.
wow, yes it is fairly recent about a year or so. i love being a red head. It defines my strong heart and my favorite story about the pheonix. Strange I know but true to my heart.
I admire you for all the strength you pocess. You are a great incouragement to me.
I am fighting to accept this compliment and not write you an essay explaining it away. :-)

Thank you.
Besides my massive typos, lol, I'm then proud of you. You should not be ashamed of yourself or the courage you posess. You earned every once of it. We all make mistakes, and it is hard to see past the pain, but it only takes one good look in the mirror to see the beauty it radiates within you...simply put....Your welcome!
I am so sorry you went through all of this pain. You are truly an inspiration of strength and healing! There's so much here I can relate to, so much that parallels my own experience. And some that doesn't, which only serves to remind us that there's all kinds of abuse involved, all levels, and no matter what level, it all does damage.

Bless you for finding strength in yourself and for surviving all of this.

"She is like mommy dearest meets sibil, meets mother theresa"

This is so spot on, I can't even find the words to say. As well as someone else's comment about these personalities being fragments that are swirling in a fishbowl and different random pieces float to the top. This is just so true -- you never know, when you talk on the phone, come to the door, whatever, what you're going to get, so you have to prepare for all these 1000 different personalities every time you deal with her, so you can be ready for the very worst she can throw at you. It's like being always at war and ready for an ambush, and you never know if you're going to be greeted by a friend or an enemy. Or if you're going to get shot at. :)
It is wonderful to find compassion in a group of people who understand. For years I purposely avoided anyone similar in fear that I would easily fall into the pity trap. But now with a much stronger outlook I can relate and make my life my own all at once. I'm very into buddhism and it is my sole way of surviving. I adore the Dalai lama. He is the child I strive to be today and no one I have ever heard of laughs as much as him. Although i do tend to laugh at alot of things. I could never compare to him. And as for your compliment I appriciate it. You seeing a side of yourself in me means that you deserve the credit as well. I think for the most part all of us deserve a pat on the back and a sign of admiration for all of us. This is all about forgiveness and moving on to the next thing. My greatest lesson in Buddhism is the lack of attachment to ones emotions, while still feeling them. It is a great place to be. ; ) I hope that some of this was helpful. Namaste...