issues have issues

Hello!

Hello. I just found this community. I am not new to Live Journal but this is a new journal for me. I have a mother with a severe case of Narcissistic Personality Disorder. She hasn't been diagnosed and more than likely never will. At this particular moment we aren't even speaking. She has emotionally, mentally and physically abused my sisters and I our whole lives. She played us againt each other as children so none of us ever bonded. We're barely starting to now that we're adults and are figuring out what is/has been going on. It has severely affected my ability to trust women and I have very few female friends. I was the oldest and everything was always MY fault. Once I couldn't take it anymore and moved out when I was 16, she found a new scapegoat in my stepfather, then my middle sister and finally my youngest sister. She has alienated most of us at this point. My (step)father and I joke about needing to start a support group for survivors of relationships with her. She has even gotten to the point of hurting her grandchildren. It's past ridiculous at this point.

Anyway, I was looking for support maybe I found some here. Have a great day! 
  • junau

Hi! New Too.

 



I am new to "Hera's Daughter's" and I am so relieved to have found this community. My mother suffers from a textbook Custer A paranoid personality disorder. She emotionally abused and neglected myself and my sister throughout our childhood and even into our adult life. Needless to say my family is not close. My mother has never been diagnosed and never will be. Only recently did I begin research about emotionally abused children and then wanted to see if there were others out there like me. It just makes  me feel a "better" to know that other women have survived, are survivng, the same type of environment.

path of contemplation

I'm new too

Doesn't look like there has been very much activity since 2005 here, but in looking for a community for a different purpose I found this one which I've needed MANY times.

My mother suffered from Schizophrenia (apparantly) all her life.  She wasn't officially diagnosed until I was 21.  I was the lucky one who got to reap the *benefits* of her illness for 21 years before anyone took me seriously.  I have lots more I want to say about all of this, but tonight I'm very numb from the recent loss of a family member (whom incidently I never got to know well as a child BECAUSE of my mothers issues).  In a nutshell though, my mother - who will likely outlive all of us - has been so kind as to pass down a fraction of her genepool to me, and I was diagnosed Bipolar 2 in 2004; after living the previous 15 years with a diagnosis of chronic clinical depression.  I know it's not her fault - thats what everybody kept telling me as a kid anyway in response to all the resulting abuse - but in all honesty I can't deny feeling cheated; both out of having a mom and a healthy mind.  At least though, I have learned the hard way that come hell or high water I will NEVER "STOP" my meds just because of some stupid side effect.

Sorry this turned into a vent.  I really feel like I could use a mother tonight, as I sit here pondering the tragedy of my cousin who just lost her son.

I'd better post back when I'm feeling better. 
  • Current Mood
    depressed depressed
my sanity

Hi, I'm new here...

... and my case, I guess is not the worst out there, but my mom is crazy. My mom has borderline personality disorder and narcissism. She pretty much emotional tortured me in between being my "best friend" while I was growing up.

Here is an essay that I am in the process of writing to try and prove that my parents’ household is an abusive one so that I can be determined independent as far as federal aid for college is concerned. I'm only 20, so I'm automatically "dependent" even though I left my parents house and went NC a year and half ago.

 

peekaboo

Tarnation

For all those children so haunted by the evil of mental illness and their new lives as adults I recommend the movie Tarnation. It scared me how close to my life this movie was. Anyways, see for yourself...I warn you the images can be very disturbing and it is very emotional. See it with people. Hugs to all of you....

Namaste....
peekaboo

Butterflies in tummy...

So yesterday I spent the whole day talking to my sister. It was joyous. We had been mutually looking for each other and unfortunately had far too many horror stories to tell for just one day. My father did hideous things to her and I don't know why, but his family abandoned her for him. Even after he spent 4 years in prison for molesting her. I just don't see how someone could pull the blinders up that much. It is beyond cruel. She has been through hell and back. My father got her addicted to coke, gave her her first cigarettes at nine years old, and he constantly made her feel like crap. He won't even appologize. My stomach is still cramping from all of this. Well, the amazing thing is we are so much alike. She has been looking for me since her teens but stopped in fear that my father would hurt me somehow. When she was put in foster care she stole a baby picture of me and stared at it trying to think of what I was like. In most sense of the word she was very protective of me and didn't even know me. It is strange how two humans that never meet can love each other so much. It boggles my mind. She like similar food as me and she is very smart. I think it is kinda cute that she has a deep southern accent as well. I have a flat ass northeastern thing happening. The thing that truly amazes me about her is her ability to survive. You see she was born with a tiny hole in her heart and muscular distrophe. The abuse my father did to her has also left her scared and in pain most days. I revel in her resillence and love her for everybit of it. My heart is so heavy I feel like my chest is going to explode. Never in my life could I have imagined someone I hardly new could be so fircely protective and sweet. God bless my stars. I have closed a chapter in my life and i'm on to the next. I just pray that this is over for the both of us.

All I can say in this moment is


Erin I LOVE YOU!
  • Current Music
    Incibus-Make yourself/Amazing grace...for erin I love u
fairy

Funny Story

I haven't posted in a little while. I'm more or less doing ok. My mother is still annoying me a bit with insensitivity, but thanks to a lot of support from you guys, I've been able to see it in a different light and handle it a little better.

I thought to lighten things up a little, I'd share a story from my teen years. To me it is kind of funny, since it doesn't involve anyone actually getting hurt, but as it does deal somewhat with my mother's illness I'll put it behind the cut in case it is upsetting to anyone.

It has to do with something ridiculous that happened once when someone else noticed my mother was a little off.

Charity Case?Collapse )
peekaboo

Inspired by Neva...

I read neva's entry about her abusive and terrible history with her mother. I grew up in a very interesting home. My mother was a victim of abuse from my father and typically loved to attract controling men. She had a serious eating disorder and I spent a good three years trying to get her to stop chewing her food and spitting it out. It discussed me and I would, regardless of my less agressive nature at the time, have outburst that would end up embarressing my mother. I would scream at her as a child and say mom why can't you eat like a normal person. Why do you make me stare at a pile of chewed up food. Don't you know it scares me when you do this. It was hard, but over all she was harmless...Well, except for her cleanliness. She is massively OCD. She had plastic on the furniture, she would litterally carry a vacuume with her and vacuume up right behind me and she spent several years scrubing me with a bore bristle brush til I would bleed. I remember my golden blonde hair frequently looked strawberry blond because of the red tint of blood associated with the scrubbing. I hated it, but still regardless my mom could do no wrong. I loved her and her neurosses never hurt me directly. Not til she met my step dad. This is when it got really bad. When they met it was bliss for them and annoying for me. But I was in many ways happy that my mother found someone she loved and seemed to care for her. But overtime his lack of consideration for others, his lack of common sense and his meak will made for a very dangerous mix to my mothers fragile mind. After I came out about my molestation( The man she was almost held captive by as I was growing up, decided to target me and I came out) and we moved from AK to NY my mother snapped. She has been angry and confused sense. She is like mommy dearest meets sibil, meets mother theresa(sorry about spelling) So once we moved to NY my step family and her were always at odds. I started having trouble in school and my mother made snide remarks or started fights every chance she got. There were days I wanted to smother her in her sleep. So by the time I was 16 I lived on my own and went to school by choice. I managed to get out of school in 3 and a half years. I had a horrible self image problem due to my mothers constant negative banters at me...Your a slut, why are you so fucking stupid, didn't you hear my or are you just def, why do you have to be such a dumb bitch...etc etc. She also had an issue with my big chest one day announcing at the dinner table...Why don't you change that shirt so your tits don't hang out. THat way your stepfather can eat dinner with out having to wack off. I was oddly enough waring a t-shirt and jeans and I wasn't doing anything to prevoke any of the abuse I had gotten. She was just off her rocker. She is still very abusive, but now she feels guilt about it. It is the strangest thing. I just don't understand it. She will show my sister half naked girls on tv and say thats what you father likes, he wants to go fuck that and the poor dear is only 10 so most of the time she just stays quiet and tries to retreat in her own mind. She is very smart, but is held back because of the abuse she recieves. It kills me. I try not to get close to her in fear of making it all worse and coddling her too much. I want her to learn to survive like I did, and know that if she does need me all she has to do is ask. I always tell her that. I knew right from the start that when she was born this child was going to be more mine then my mothers. She just wanted a baby and a mother and my poor sister has paid the price everyday. It kills me. The hardest part of the whole thing is my mother is not always this way. She can be sweet as honey on sugar. There are many things I love about her and care about when she is in pain. This makes the whole thing so challenging. I have always been a mothering figure in her life, but I have my own children now and I find that I'm constantly having to choose between her and my daughter and in my mind there is no choice, my daughter is first. SO that is why in many ways I must move. I want her to heal on her own, plus she is slowly making progress the farther I'm away from her. I hope that in this life time I can see my old loving kookie mom and regain my life back with her. But if I don't I'm ready to move on and give my daughter the loving home I never had. With my buddhist practices and my loving friends I have made it very far. I have alot to be thankful for and in no way is any of this easy, but I feel happier now than I ever have. My strength comes souly from within...
  • Current Mood
    indescribable indescribable
serenity

(no subject)

[X-posted from my LJ, because I remember there was a recent post by fyrefly requesting input from members about what we're all dealing with to share and support one another and though I didn't have time at the time to respond like I wanted, the following came up yesterday and I thought others might benefit from it.]


Yesterday, I sent out a mass email to our Hallway mailing list (for our website and online newsletter) and, since it's been a few months since I last did this, I got my usual returned undeliverable on a couple of people who've dropped email addresses or moved or whatever since then. It happens, especially when I drop my usual monthly routine and the people in question aren't as close -- either relationship-wise or distance-wise -- to include me on their "must notify" list when this information changes. Such is life.

One of the addresses, however, was my mother's. Which means that other than calling her (a last resort option for various reasons), I don't have a way to immediately get in touch with her. Which isn't to say I can't get in touch with her by other means -- I've got her mailing address and if necessary, I could always contact her through family. Still, call me crazy (and believe me, I've got the genes for it), but I think that when you change email addresses, even if you're not an email fanatic, you might maybe possibly should let your daughter know  that hey, gots myself a new address, thought you might need to know, case you're feelin' all wordy and wanna write me or sumthin. I'm just funny that way. And though this is part of a history between us and an illness she's been battling years, I have to wonder: what's so inherently unloveable or utterly forgettable about me, that my own mother could so easily choose not to (or forget to) stay in touch with her only daughter?

I don't mean this in a "oh, woe is me, nobody likes me, everybody hates me, guess I'll go eat worms" kind of way. This is hardly the first time this has happened and in comparison, is a small thing. And my mother is bipolar, so it's hardly unexpected, considering her illness. But bipolar does not mean Alzheimer's and being introspective by nature, I think it's probably normal to be wondering about this.

I stopped speaking to her in December 2003 and with the exception of the phone call I made to her this last Christmas, we haven't spoken since. Four months before the Official Not Speaking To Each Other Extravaganza, my mother sold her house, moved into a new one, disconnected her landline, and got a different cell phone number...and told me none of this. I had no idea until that Thanksgiving (2003) when I called to wish her Happy Thanksgiving and got "phone disconnected" messages. You haven't lived until you've spent your Thanksgiving holiday trying desperately to locate your mother from 1500 miles away. And then, when you finally DO hear from her (3 days later), she acts completely nonchalant about it, like you're some kind of OCD paranoid control freak stalker person. It's not much of an exaggeration that she had a complete teenager "hey man, don't harsh my buzz" reaction to my reaction, complete with three choruses of "I just forgot, geez, chill!" and the special extended stanza of "God, what are you, my mother? I don't have to ask your permission for everything I do." Surreal doesn't cover it.

It's been a struggle for me since then, though I'm doing better with it a year later than I expected. I didn't hit the bottom of my reaction to the whole thing until early last summer, when the last of my family on her side (the side of the family I just happen to be very close to) pulled away from me in response to her demands that they choose between us (ugh...when did my life become an episode of Dynasty?), and they did, and I'm out. Which, by the way, was the impetus for starting my LJ.

So it's happened before. This tenuous contact is now gone and once again she doesn't feel it necessary to let me know. Couldn't so much as drop me an email: "Changed my email address, here's the new one" or, "not using the computer much, decided to drop my internet service; just an FYI". Or, if she's mad about something I did or didn't didn't do, she didn't have the respect to tell me why. Instead, I get this returned undeliverable virtual rejection. Wow, that's...classy.

I don't know what it is. Her bipolar, sure. That's got to be some of it. I've dealt with this for 32 years now, though, and I just know it's not all because of that. She's told me on several occasions that I trigger some of her bipolar reactions, though she's never been able to explain how or why. I don't know that she was trying to blame me for this supposed triggering ability that I have (it's like superpowers! except without the cool costumes), but she's used that as a justification in the past for why she wouldn't talk to me for long periods, or why she couldn't discuss something with me that needed resolution (and would've provided some closure for at least one of us). Personally, I think it was an excuse to avoid the hard work that relationships sometimes require, but whatever.

I'm not taking it as hard as I did last year. Last year, I mulled it over from every conceivable angle, dissected and analyzed and evaluated during pretty much every moment my mind wasn't otherwise occupied. For months. Which made me feel a little bit bipolar, I have to say, because one of the symptoms is that when you're in a manic phase, your brain just will not. shut. up. I had this internal dialogue for, I'm not kidding, months about the situation, replaying the conversations over and over and wondering what the hell I'd done. I felt orphaned, in a way, because my brother and I already weren't speaking at that point, and now my mom, and of course the divorce with my stepdad (which also, apparently, meant a divorce from me, too, because I haven't heard from him since). And, as I said, the whole Dynasty-esque choosing up of sides amongst family. Or rather, "side", since it seems there was only one side on this issue and I wasn't on it.

But this year, things are different. I'm different. For one thing, my decision to pull away the last vestiges of whatever part of me was still rooted with my family and the place I grew up has been, on the whole, a success. I finally stepped the rest of the way into the new life I started for myself when we moved out here 4 years ago, like finally stepping all the way through the door and shutting it firmly behind me. I've let myself give up the job I had for so long of being the mother to my mother, the caretaker and nurturer and worrier and cheerleader. It's not a job I ever wanted or should've had, it was just the one I got assigned and stayed in because I thought I had to. Well, I did have to, but I could've quit before I did..

I also started building my own...not family, per se, but just something, a network of friends and acquaintances and neighbors and people I care about, whatever. I don't have a name for it, really, but it doesn't really need one. I'm not a terribly social person, and I like to be alone more often than is probably good for me, but I've managed to reconcile that part of myself with meeting new people, doing new things, and being involved in life. Which I've always done, but not as consciously as I have this last year or so. Go me, I'm high on life, woot woot! Snerk.

And through all of this there's been str8ontilmornin, from the time I still lived at home and lived in fear of going home, through those first years of independence when we both struggled to find ourselves and our place both alone and together, the years that we had to force our parents away because they wouldn't let go any other way, the years when the future we wanted was drifting further and further out of sight, and then, when we finally just leaped into the exciting and scary adventure of making our dreams coming true, and all the struggles and victories since then, and all the small moments in between. I wouldn't have gotten this far alone.

Anyway, I don't know if this latest thing with my mom is because of something I did or not, but I'm not going to fight it. Maybe she'll come back, maybe she won't, I'll deal with that if it happens. In the meantime, my life beckons and it's a good place to be.

  • Current Mood
    contemplative contemplative
peekaboo

Hi there!

I posted here not to long ago and realized that i'm the only one who posted here. I would love to hear some stories of people coping with their parents illness. I think we should all get together and work out what it is we are here for. I hope to get people inspired again and to hear from some of you. Anything is welcome. I would love to hear a story, venting anger or frustration or anything that helps you get through the day. I have a rather crazy life going right now, but if people respond to this I will feel free to share it. I hope to make some new friends out of this and learn from all of you.


Thank you and namaste!
  • Current Mood
    contemplative contemplative