Fyreflye (fyreflye) wrote in herasdaughters,

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Inspired by Neva...

I read neva's entry about her abusive and terrible history with her mother. I grew up in a very interesting home. My mother was a victim of abuse from my father and typically loved to attract controling men. She had a serious eating disorder and I spent a good three years trying to get her to stop chewing her food and spitting it out. It discussed me and I would, regardless of my less agressive nature at the time, have outburst that would end up embarressing my mother. I would scream at her as a child and say mom why can't you eat like a normal person. Why do you make me stare at a pile of chewed up food. Don't you know it scares me when you do this. It was hard, but over all she was harmless...Well, except for her cleanliness. She is massively OCD. She had plastic on the furniture, she would litterally carry a vacuume with her and vacuume up right behind me and she spent several years scrubing me with a bore bristle brush til I would bleed. I remember my golden blonde hair frequently looked strawberry blond because of the red tint of blood associated with the scrubbing. I hated it, but still regardless my mom could do no wrong. I loved her and her neurosses never hurt me directly. Not til she met my step dad. This is when it got really bad. When they met it was bliss for them and annoying for me. But I was in many ways happy that my mother found someone she loved and seemed to care for her. But overtime his lack of consideration for others, his lack of common sense and his meak will made for a very dangerous mix to my mothers fragile mind. After I came out about my molestation( The man she was almost held captive by as I was growing up, decided to target me and I came out) and we moved from AK to NY my mother snapped. She has been angry and confused sense. She is like mommy dearest meets sibil, meets mother theresa(sorry about spelling) So once we moved to NY my step family and her were always at odds. I started having trouble in school and my mother made snide remarks or started fights every chance she got. There were days I wanted to smother her in her sleep. So by the time I was 16 I lived on my own and went to school by choice. I managed to get out of school in 3 and a half years. I had a horrible self image problem due to my mothers constant negative banters at me...Your a slut, why are you so fucking stupid, didn't you hear my or are you just def, why do you have to be such a dumb bitch...etc etc. She also had an issue with my big chest one day announcing at the dinner table...Why don't you change that shirt so your tits don't hang out. THat way your stepfather can eat dinner with out having to wack off. I was oddly enough waring a t-shirt and jeans and I wasn't doing anything to prevoke any of the abuse I had gotten. She was just off her rocker. She is still very abusive, but now she feels guilt about it. It is the strangest thing. I just don't understand it. She will show my sister half naked girls on tv and say thats what you father likes, he wants to go fuck that and the poor dear is only 10 so most of the time she just stays quiet and tries to retreat in her own mind. She is very smart, but is held back because of the abuse she recieves. It kills me. I try not to get close to her in fear of making it all worse and coddling her too much. I want her to learn to survive like I did, and know that if she does need me all she has to do is ask. I always tell her that. I knew right from the start that when she was born this child was going to be more mine then my mothers. She just wanted a baby and a mother and my poor sister has paid the price everyday. It kills me. The hardest part of the whole thing is my mother is not always this way. She can be sweet as honey on sugar. There are many things I love about her and care about when she is in pain. This makes the whole thing so challenging. I have always been a mothering figure in her life, but I have my own children now and I find that I'm constantly having to choose between her and my daughter and in my mind there is no choice, my daughter is first. SO that is why in many ways I must move. I want her to heal on her own, plus she is slowly making progress the farther I'm away from her. I hope that in this life time I can see my old loving kookie mom and regain my life back with her. But if I don't I'm ready to move on and give my daughter the loving home I never had. With my buddhist practices and my loving friends I have made it very far. I have alot to be thankful for and in no way is any of this easy, but I feel happier now than I ever have. My strength comes souly from within...
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